In Your Partner's Footsteps: Experiencing Culture, Deepening Connection

How gaining insight into their background and everyday life can bring more understanding to your relationship

Many intercultural couples frequently experience tension and misunderstandings. Common complaints can range from “you always shout” to “my mother always did this for us, why don’t you?”, etc. Often, couples aren’t even aware of how much cultural norms shape their behavior.

That’s exactly the point: culture is like a pair of glasses through which we see the world, and we often forget we’re even wearing them.

What couples usually notice is that something in their partner’s behavior irritates or confuses them. Yet their understanding of each other’s culture is often incomplete or distorted by stereotypes from social media or unconscious biases.

That’s why it’s so important to visit your partner’s home country (several times if possible) to gain a deeper understanding of what has shaped them. When you better understand the context they come from, it becomes much easier to make sense of certain behaviors. And in turn, you’re more likely to respond with empathy and understanding, rather than judgment, though of course, that’s not always easy.

This journey to your partner’s roots can also be a virtual one, for example, through Google Maps, video calls with friends and family, or by looking through old photos or watching films from that culture.

"To truly know someone, you need to walk their streets, breathe their air, and listen to their stories."

Here are my top three tips for how to get the most out of this experience:

🌿Let the images and sounds of a local market, restaurant, or celebration sink in:

• How loudly or quietly do people usually speak?

• How do women and men interact with each other?

• What are the children doing? How do their parents and other adults behave toward them?

🌿Visit the homes of relatives or friends and take note of what you see:

• What kinds of mementos or decorations are on display? What might that say about what’s considered important or desirable?

• How is respect shown, for example, through different ways of addressing people or gestures? Whose opinion matters most to your partner?

• What roles do women and men play within the household?

🌿Use public transportation to get a feel for daily life:

• What kind of clothing do people wear? What are the rules around modesty?

• How much personal space do people give each other?

• How do people interact with children in public? Do you see more scolding, playing, or helping with schoolwork? How much space for independence is given?

Couple getting to know what shaped the other one

In addition to general cultural impressions, your partner also has personal memories shaped by factors like social class, neighborhood, or family structure in which they grew up.Experiences such as discrimination and racism, or belonging to a privileged or marginalized group, also play a significant role.

When someone has lived abroad for a long time, it can be hard to recall the things that shaped them in the past. However, listening to old music, eating familiar foods, or catching certain smells can bring long-forgotten memories back to life.

So, try stepping into your partner’s shoes again:

• Take the same route they once took to school, university, or a previous job, on foot or by the same kind of transport they used to take

• Eat together at their childhood favorite restaurant, or somewhere similar

• Besides visiting family and friends, reconnecting with former mentors, teachers, or past employers can also open up rich and meaningful conversations.